


Racing Thoughts.

by angamablackbird



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M, Marauders' Era, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2014-10-06
Packaged: 2018-02-19 20:38:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2402120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angamablackbird/pseuds/angamablackbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, you just need someone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Awake.

**Author's Note:**

> This includes suicidal thoughts and gayness. Though you had probably guessed that if you're into Wolfstar. Anyway, enjoy!

**'Hmm...what's that drumming? Oh, wait. What? Nah, it can't be in my head. Someone must be hammering something. Oh, it's stopped. Ugh, my entire body hurts...Great. there we go again. Pum. Pum. Pum. Maybe it's just my heart pumping blood, right? No. That doesn't sound like a heart. More like a drill. My face hurts. What the hell's happened to me? Bloody Merlin, I can't even open my eyes. Wait. I think I can lift my lids. Come on, Sirius, you can do this! Shit. Great moment to get distracted, fucking useless dog brain... OK. Yes. I am paying atention. How can I possibly hear that? It sound like someon left the tap opened. Blup. Blup. Every...30 seconds, I'd say. Just a few drops, then. What can that be? OK, I'm going to open my eyes. YES. I see light. I CAN FEEL MY EYELIDS MOVING WITH THE POWER OF MY MIND. I'm never saying that out loud. Oh, what's that shadow? I think the sound of water drops comes from there. Is that...Moony? It can't be, can it? He's not a broken tap'.**

**-You're not a broken tap.**

-Sirius...?Pads?

**-You are not a broken tap.**

'What have I done? I can't believe I did that to him. This is all my fault. All the nonsense coming from his mouth. I'm a monster. I shouldn't have asked. Selfish bastard, that's what I am. All those bandages, all the wounds that'll leave a scar... I'm a monster, I'm...'

**-You're not a broken tap.**

-No, Sirius, I'm not a broken tap.

**-Then it must be something behind you. Get out of the way, come on.**

'He must want me to leave, and this is his way of making me notice it. I've just lost my best friend because of my uselessness... I don't want to be at Hogwarts without him. And without his jokes, and his smirks... Oh God. What am I going to do? Great, more tears. Just what I needed'.

**-See? The sound just changed. But I don't-wait. You're crying. Are you crying? Yes, you are crying. Moony, are you hurt?**

**'Stop that, bleeding useless muscles, you need to take me to Remus. OK. There we go, that's better. Ouch, come OOOON'.**

-Padfoot! Stop! You mustn't move, you're going to make it worse!

**-Moony, just answer me. Who did that to you? Don't look at me like that. Oi! Stop it, what's wrong? Are you hurt?**

-Sirius, please, don't, I just...

**_Remus, what happened to you? To us?**

-I DID! I happened to us, Sirius, can't you see? I almost kill you, so stop being worried about me, you should hate me already!

**Oh. Well, that makes sense'.**

**-Is that what you want, Rem? You're being a coward, you are. They're getting me fixed, that's why I'm not giving a fuck about it! But tell me, how will they fix you?**

 

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.--.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

 

Remus spent the whole day running. Running from duty, from Wormtail, from Prongs, from Sirius and from fear itself. 'How are they going to fix you?' Sirius had asked. 'There is no way of fixing me. I'm deemed to be broken. Forever'. Tears and sobs had swollen his eyes and mouth, making his round face look even more kid-ish. He'd thought of scaping to the Shrieking Shack, but they would eventually find him there. Although they probably didn't care about Remus anymore, seeing that he had almost killed their best friend.

He couldn't even bare the thought of losing them, any of them. Not even Peter. A sore smile started to lit up his face. Wormtail would always get mentioned as the gang's pet, but he was a loyal, truthful friend. He'd always been there to help them, even when the idea (usually a prank) appalled him. But he guessed that had finished now, following the finish line of a proper decent life. James and Sirius would probably tell everyone of his condition.

He'd never blame them for that, of course. That was probably for the best. After all, he was, had beem and would always be a monster. Always and forever. He suddenly stopped running. He couldn't just keep running away from that. Not metaphorically that is. There was only one way to put an end to it and he did know it. Always had. It'd be hard of course, but he could do it. It was really simple. A quick cut, maybe a couple of them, as his skin was growing thicker and everything would be over.


	2. Black dog.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius decides to do something about the whole thing. James will always be there.  
> Remus makes his choice.

-Remus...it's...he- James didn't understand. He was staring at him blankly-.He's in danger, James!  


-You worry too much, Pads. He's a werewolf, I mean, there's hardly anything out there that could hurt him-. James had his 'it's ok' face on.  


-I'm not worried about the 'out there' things. I'm worried about what he will do to himself-. Sirius tried to get up from the bed again, only to fall back- Bloody hell, I've never been more anxious, Prongs...And that's saying something.  


-Wait. What about about that time in 3rd year, with Pete and all that mistletoa and...-Sirius held a hand against his mouth, unabling him to speak.  


-I'm serious, James- His best friend was already freeing his mouth with a cheeky sparkle in his eyes-.Don't. Do not joke about my name, James Charlotte Potter because I will bite you. Not now. Actually, not ever-after a muffled complaint, he flashed a scarstic smile at the other boy.  


-Are you going to help me or not? -James did only nod, but that in Marauders and 'Jirius' language meant lots of things: ' Always have been there for you, always will. He'll be alright. Calm down. When the heck are you gonna tell him? Nevermind'. All the thoughts enclosed in just one nod.  


-Thanks, James- Sirius might had always been stubborn, but he knew this was not precisely ideal for his best mate.  


-Alright, then. I'm on my way! I'll be back in a couple of hours, I guess- he was already stepping out of the room when he heard an offended groan- Come on, Sirius, you aren't possibly thinking about- he was exactky thinking that- Come on, you can't even get up.

When he turned to Sirius, he could see him sweating and managing to sit up in the mattress, to his friend's surprise.

'Idiot'.

'Arsehole'.

'Don't look at me like that'.

'Shut it'.

'We're not talking'.

'You know what I mean'.

'Whatever'.

-You will get hurt- James said.  


-Shut up, Googles. I'm going with you, like it or not.

And he got up completely. However, a paleness took over his face. He realized then, and only then, he wouldn't be of much use in this state.

-Ok then. I'm gonna turn. Step back, Jamesy- Sirius said.  


-What? No, you won't! You can't! You'll pass out, you're nowhere near strong enough to hold up. I won't have it- he had crossed his arms just like his mother-their mother, Sirius corrected himself- did, making him smirk a bit, only making James' rage grow bigger.  


-Shut it, nerd- without any warning, he became shorter and sort of thicker, walking in four legs and getting even messier hair.

James hold his breath until he saw that Padfoot was just as hyper as always. He was relieved, but of course he wouldn't let it show. With a happy bark, the big black furry dog led the way through the deserted hallways.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.--.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Remus had made his choice long ago. An hour ago, actually. But even then, he didn't dare. He hated himself and this thing inside him. He knew that. But he was just too focused on thinking about Sirius and everything he had. He had had, anyway. Not anymore. He was alone. Alone as he always had been and would always be. But there was a way of putting everything that back, he knew that too. 'Just a quick cut', he repeated to himself. I can do this. This is probably the only thing I know how to do. Always had.  
As he grabbed the razor blade he always carried with himself, he remembered the many times Sirius had asked him what that was for. 'Are you afraid of growing a beard all of the sudden, Moony?', he'd ask. No, it's not because of that. It wasn't because of that, Sirius. The tears that rolled down his face made him hold on to the razor. After that, it was all he had left. That strong hold made his hand bleed. The smell of blood awoke his inner beast.  


'This is it'. Remus thought. 

It was everything he needed to make the cut. That reminder, that thing, that monster that consumed him until he was nothing but a weeping teen boy, who couldn't stand up on his feet, who could only cry and shake. But that was over. He rolled up his sleeves and cut himself acrossed the wrist. It bleed. Oh, it bled so much. But not enough. He remembered what he had read about muggle suicides. The cut was made along the forearm, not across it. Still crying and trembling he made another cut, this time in the right way. It wasn't easy. His skin was thick. He needed more than a couple of cuts to start feeling a bit weak. 'This is it. I'ts done'. He didn't feel happy, and he didn't feel peaceful either. This was probably one of the worst moments of his life. But he supposed that was just the appropriate thing. Dying as he always had lived. Shaking and between screams and sobs. The tears got mixed up with his blood. It was everywhere. 

Its redness was the last thing Remus John Lupin saw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have this huge headcannon about Sirius calling everyone by their full names when he's offended, indignated or just mad. That's the reason of the James Charlotte Potter. James real full name is James Charlus Potter, so close enough. Anyway, please do leave a comment with your thoughts on the chapter, and the fanfic. It will be greatly appreciated. You guys are the best!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you people liked it!


End file.
